By Kenny | January 17, 2008
I’ve learned very recently that one of the best ways to lose weight fast is to piss. In fact, 9 out of 10 doctors agree that you can lose up to 1 pound of body weight for every 16 oz of water you piss out. AMAZING!!! So you’ll probably want to start pissing as much as you possibly can. If you want to pee all the time, the best way is to drink lots of water.
In all seriousness water is really good for you, and it can be an ally in your quest to lose fat aside from just weighing less after your morning Austin Powers piss. Water plays many crucial roles within the body, like serving as a medium for molecular interactions, distributing nutrients, homones, etc…around your body and between cells, removing waste, regulating your body temperature and acting as a lubricant for joints and even acting as a shock absorber for your feeble brain.
But who cares about all that jibber jabber- how does drinking water help you become less of a fat-ass? Being hydrated is important for fat metabolism which is performed by your liver. If you’re trying to lose fat, you want your liver focused on metabolizing your body fat for energy as much as possble, however, if you’re not getting enough water, the liver will kick in and start helping your pathetic, dehydrated, water-deprived kidneys perform it’s functions, so instead of metabolizing fat into usable energy that you could be using to read blogs, fat is rerouted directly to your ass where everyone can see it and laugh at you. You don’t want people to laugh at you do you? Then drink more water.
Now that I have this blog, people are always stopping me on the street and asking me questions, “Fat Brother Kenny, I’m afraid if I drink a bunch of water my scale will go up and I want it to go down- What should I do?” And to them I say, “Move out of my way bloated, dehydrated fat person, I got shit to do.” And I walk away. What I would say to them, if I weren’t so important, is that the best way to stop retaining water, is to drink water. All the time. Like right now. Seriously- go get some water. I’ll wait……….
Our bodies have great survival instincts and if it senses that we are not getting enough water, our bodies will go into water retention mode and start conserving water in all sorts of ways that aren’t ideal, like outside of your cells in your hands, feet, lower legs, and yes, your stomach and ass. The best way to remedy this is to give your body the water it needs, whether your thirsty or not. Once your body sees that it’s getting enough water, it will store what it needs in your cells (where you want it) and get rid of it’s water stores elsewhere in your body (where you don’t want it).
So how much is enough? If you talk to They, They says to drink 8, 8oz glasses a day and another glass for every 25 pounds you want to lose, (so if you’re 25 lbs overweight, drink 1 extra glass per day, 50 lbs, drink 2, etc…) plus more if you are working out and exercising. WARNING: don’t drink all of your daily water at one time or you will die like that woman who tried to win a video game for her kids. I fall under the category of being 25 pounds over weight so I try to drink 72oz per day and I’ll drink more if I work out. My strategy is I chug 16 oz first thing in the morning and 16 oz before bed no matter what. During the day at work I use a 20 oz water bottle that I fill up and drink 2x per day, which comes to 72oz which is about right for a 220-something-pound Swedish studhunk. If I work out that day, I’ll drink 16-20oz while I’m doing that in addition to my routine. by the way, I do not count water that I drink with any protein shakes or coffee or whatever. Just clean pure water. Just so you know, if you haven’t been drinking a lot of water, then you start do like I did, you are going to have to pee all the damn time. You’re going to think something’s wrong with you, and you’re probably right about that, but it doesn’t have to do with your peeing all the time. That part’s normal. Your body is flushing itself of all it’s extracellular water stores and for a few days you’re going to have to piss. A lot. But after a few days, you’re life will return to normal.
Tommy you should proabably add 1 or 2 cups of water per day make up for the tears of sadness and frustration that you cry out every night knowing you will lose to me in this competition.
Topics: Weight Loss Challenge 2008 |