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  • « Week 2 Overview and Our First Sponsor | Main | Thomas’s Week 3 Weigh-in »

    How to Lose 1 pound in 1 minute or less.

    By Kenny | January 17, 2008

    I’ve learned very recently that one of the best ways to lose weight fast is to piss. In fact, 9 out of 10 doctors agree that you can lose up to 1 pound of body weight for every 16 oz of water you piss out. AMAZING!!! So you’ll probably want to start pissing as much as you possibly can. If you want to pee all the time, the best way is to drink lots of water.

    In all seriousness water is really good for you, and it can be an ally in your quest to lose fat aside from just weighing less after your morning Austin Powers piss. Water plays many crucial roles within the body, like serving as a medium for molecular interactions, distributing nutrients, homones, etc…around your body and between cells, removing waste, regulating your body temperature and acting as a lubricant for joints and even acting as a shock absorber for your feeble brain.

    But who cares about all that jibber jabber- how does drinking water help you become less of a fat-ass? Being hydrated is important for fat metabolism which is performed by your liver. If you’re trying to lose fat, you want your liver focused on metabolizing your body fat for energy as much as possble, however, if you’re not getting enough water, the liver will kick in and start helping your pathetic, dehydrated, water-deprived kidneys perform it’s functions, so instead of metabolizing fat into usable energy that you could be using to read blogs, fat is rerouted directly to your ass where everyone can see it and laugh at you. You don’t want people to laugh at you do you? Then drink more water.


    Now that I have this blog, people are always stopping me on the street and asking me questions, “Fat Brother Kenny, I’m afraid if I drink a bunch of water my scale will go up and I want it to go down- What should I do?” And to them I say, “Move out of my way bloated, dehydrated fat person, I got shit to do.” And I walk away. What I would say to them, if I weren’t so important, is that the best way to stop retaining water, is to drink water. All the time. Like right now. Seriously- go get some water. I’ll wait……….

    Our bodies have great survival instincts and if it senses that we are not getting enough water, our bodies will go into water retention mode and start conserving water in all sorts of ways that aren’t ideal, like outside of your cells in your hands, feet, lower legs, and yes, your stomach and ass. The best way to remedy this is to give your body the water it needs, whether your thirsty or not. Once your body sees that it’s getting enough water, it will store what it needs in your cells (where you want it) and get rid of it’s water stores elsewhere in your body (where you don’t want it).

    So how much is enough? If you talk to They, They says to drink 8, 8oz glasses a day and another glass for every 25 pounds you want to lose, (so if you’re 25 lbs overweight, drink 1 extra glass per day, 50 lbs, drink 2, etc…) plus more if you are working out and exercising. WARNING: don’t drink all of your daily water at one time or you will die like that woman who tried to win a video game for her kids. I fall under the category of being 25 pounds over weight so I try to drink 72oz per day and I’ll drink more if I work out. My strategy is I chug 16 oz first thing in the morning and 16 oz before bed no matter what. During the day at work I use a 20 oz water bottle that I fill up and drink 2x per day, which comes to 72oz which is about right for a 220-something-pound Swedish studhunk. If I work out that day, I’ll drink 16-20oz while I’m doing that in addition to my routine. by the way, I do not count water that I drink with any protein shakes or coffee or whatever. Just clean pure water. Just so you know, if you haven’t been drinking a lot of water, then you start do like I did, you are going to have to pee all the damn time. You’re going to think something’s wrong with you, and you’re probably right about that, but it doesn’t have to do with your peeing all the time. That part’s normal. Your body is flushing itself of all it’s extracellular water stores and for a few days you’re going to have to piss. A lot. But after a few days, you’re life will return to normal.

    Tommy you should proabably add 1 or 2 cups of water per day make up for the tears of sadness and frustration that you cry out every night knowing you will lose to me in this competition.

    Topics: Weight Loss Challenge 2008 |

    13 Responses to “How to Lose 1 pound in 1 minute or less.”

    1. workout mommy Says:
      January 18th, 2008 at 3:52 am

      I just found your blog and look forward to seeing your progress!! What a great way to inspire each other!

    2. Meatmallet Says:
      January 18th, 2008 at 7:29 pm

      Found your blog on mmajunkie. Pretty good stuff. Im pullin for Kenny cause he is a bit older. Good luck to both.

    3. Christine Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 4:59 am

      I came over here from the Iowa Avenue blogroll. I almost piddled (sorry, having trouble saying p…ss) from laughing so hard. I can always tell when I am going to drop a pound…I do what I call the piddle parade…so I am thinking…hmmm…maybe that is true…you may have just convinced a dehydrated skeptic. High five!

    4. Kathy Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 10:17 am

      I can’t drink too much water after, say, 5PM. Otherwise, I’m making bathroom runs all night. I do try to get 70 ozs in by that time, mostly in the morning. Kathy needs her beauty rest.

    5. Thomas Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 11:58 am

      @workout mommy: Thanks for the comment! I hope you’ll come back and follow our contest.

      Meatmallet: Kenny may be older, but he is well past his prime. On the downslide. One foot in the grave already.

      @Kenny: What’s the word on milk? good or bad?

    6. Kenny Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 1:54 pm

      When it comes to milk, I’m Homer Simpson. There is so much debate out there that I get confused and end up drinking soy milk. Then I find out that soy milk is going to cause me to lose my testicles (or grow a third one, I can’t remember which), so now I just don’t drink milk at all, which come to think of it is silly. Use common sense. Whole Milk that is high in saturated fat is probably not good for you. Low fat milk with vitamin D added, probably is good for you. It’s probably not good to drink a gallon of milk per day. Either way, don’t count it as part of your water intake. Only count water.

    7. Kenny Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 1:59 pm

      How someone finds us from mmajunkie I don’t know, but I’m glad you did. I read MMAjunkie every day. I think BJ Penn is going to put on a clinic tonight.

    8. Kenny Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 2:03 pm

      Kathy- you’re so right, if you look around and it’s 9PM and you’re way behind on your water, it’s probably best not to push yourself to the limit right then or you’re going to wake up a couple times during the night.

      Christine- welcome to the water drinking society!

    9. Thomas Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 2:18 pm

      @Kenny: I don’t drink much milk, but I was just wondering. Is it ok to count tea as water intake? We drink a lot of tea here in Japan - way more than water. But tea isn’t too far away from water.

      BTW, I left a comment on an mmajunkie thread with a link to this blog, so that’s how Meatmallet found us. For the record, I have Penn too.

    10. Kenny Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 8:07 pm

      Tommy- actually no. Coffee, tea and other caffeinated drinks are diuretics, which means they cause your body to lose water. I’m not saying you can’t have your tea or coffee, but just don’t count it as water. And if you drink so much tea/coffee that you can’t drink enough water, cut back a little bit on the tea and replace it with plain old water.

    11. Thomas Says:
      January 19th, 2008 at 11:07 pm

      The tea I drink has no caffeine.

    12. Kenny Says:
      January 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 am

      You are a fag.

    13. april Says:
      January 24th, 2008 at 10:19 pm

      hey i need to loss 1 pound in 2 days how can i do this ? pleases help!!!